Advice from an Airline Employee: How to Travel Without Being a Total Jerk

I like to think of myself as a fairly seasoned traveler. After all, I not only work for an airline (OK, about 12 hours a week, so it’s a hobby job), but I get to see both sides of the airplane. During a single shift I might touch 1,000 suitcases or load & unload 6 airplanes, crouched under the floor in a space less than 3 feet tall and trying to cram in all the oversized, overweight bags you brought on a summer trip. 

I see people excited to travel, exasperated from traveling, carrying too much shit or too little, being reunited with their luggage, and shouting at an agent because it’s missing. Some are pumped, some are tired, most are hangry. Some are newbies, some are million-milers. All get crammed into a tube in the sky and their actions and attitudes have a direct impact on their flight and everyone else on board.

In the interest of making the travel experience a little better for all of us, I have compiled a few handy tips. These aren’t the bullshit “Best Five Things for Your Carryon” or “What Flight Attendants Wished You Knew”, these are real travel tips that can make your travel better, whether you’re a jaded business traveler or going on your first overseas vacation.

1. Put your goddamn phone down. Reduce the volume in your earbuds or headphones, and look around. In other words, pay attention. Gates change, announcements happen, and you need to be aware. Instagram or whatever trendy app can wait, if you miss a flight because you were zoning out, you don’t get a complimentary hotel on the airline. You’ll survive some disconnected time, and you might just learn something that can save your trip.
   
2. Treat the gate agents nicely. They are nice people who get besieged all day long by tired, hangry people. You know. People like you. These agents aren’t paid well enough for your shit, and if you saw the way you were treating them, you’d be ashamed of yourself. Be kind, they want you to go away, literally, and will do everything they can to make that happen.
3. Same for flight attendants. They spend long hours and long weeks in the air, but in most cases only get paid when the door is closed. So if they’re smiling and being nice to you during boarding, that’s on their time. They’re also there for your safety and can literally save your life. Also, don’t forget that you must follow their directions by Federal law, and failing to do so can make for uncomfortable discussions with law enforcement when you land. The FBI (or Interpol) has jurisdiction in the air since you’re not in any state, county, or municipality, and you really don’t want to have them call you to discuss your poor decisions. It can get expensive, quickly. Also, never, ever, call them “stewardesses”.
4. Travel with less shit. You don’t need a 2 week’s worth of clothes, you need at most 4 days. Everywhere on the planet has a method of laundry, be it a hotel, a laundromat, or a sink and some soap. Take laundry sheets in a ziplock baggie, they can’t spill and take up no space in your bag. Don’t overstuff your bag so the zippers and latches are ready top pop open. If you can’t close it easily at home before you leave, take stuff out.

   

   

5. It’s a “roll aboard”, as in “roll it aboard the plane”. It’s not a fucking rollerboard, that’s a bad way of saying “skateboard”.
6. Practice luggage hygiene. Remove all old tags and barcodes; they’re not souvenirs, but they can create problems for scanners. Check for broken latches, wheels, and zippers. If it’s worn out, replace it. On the ramp, we know the difference in the sound made from an electric toothbush and that from a vibrator, and you’d better believe we’ve seen it all. We really don’t want your bag popping open, especially if your butt plug falls out of the pocket. Rest assured, if it does, we’re putting it on the claim belt that way and you get to pick it up.

   

7. Don’t put those stupid Lycra condoms on your suitcase. You’re covering up handles we need to grab, guaranteeing that we grab a wheel, which will eventually get broken. Buy a suitcase that can get scratched. Make sure the handles are accessible. Lyrcra isn’t armor, ask a cyclist.

   

8. You can’t sprint with a rollaboard, but you can sprint with a backpack. If you have an itinerary with tight connections, plan accordingly.
9. Wear closed-toe shoes. Yes, flip flops and sandals are awesome, but hard to sprint in, and in the highly unlikely event you need to get out of a plane for an incident, you might spare yourself injury.
10. Be kind to your fellow traveler. Seat mates or those in line for security want you to move along because they’re as frustrated as you. Don’t stand on the left side of an escalator or moving sidewalk. Don’t stop suddenly while walking to stare at your phone. Treat the walking areas like you’re driving. Prep your stuff for scanning so you don’t clog up the TSA line out of sheer ineptitude, let the person in the middle seat have both armrests, and while that little kid is having a meltdown, remember that you too were once a toddler. If you can’t deal with one in freakout mode, maybe you’re not far past that stage of life yourself, regardless of what the birthdate on your license says.
11. Here’s some legit carry on advice: Pack a pair of socks, underwear, shirt, and toothbrush. Travel can be a mess, flights can get delayed or cancelled, and you might be stuck in an airport or nasty hotel nearby. A quick change of clothing and removing the sweaters from your teeth can recharge you enough to get to your destination, even if it’s a day or two later.
12. Airline apps are getting better. Use them to re-book or contact customer service rather than standing in line. Remember that non-controllable delays (weather, air traffic control) won’t get you any reimbursements like hotels and meals, but mechanicals, crew delays, and things the airline could have controlled will. Save your receipts, sometimes you can get a reimbursement. It’s usually buried deep on their website, but it can happen. Use an app like FlightAware to see the status of not only your flight, but weather conditions and airport traffic or ground stops at origins and destinations. This site works really well too.
13. Look carefully at your routing and how much time you have between flights. In some cases booking a bit more of a roundabout route works better- sometimes the shortest distance between two points is a straight line in the opposite direction.
14. Plan on the weather at your destination. Your phone has the ability to look into the future and tell you the temperature when you land. My airport is at high altitude and is a ski destination. It’s common for people to step off the airplane, at night, in January, in a T-shirt, and be surprised that it’s cold where there’s snow. These people inherited enough money to buy this flight, they’re clearly not smart enough to have predicted the need for a coat. Even if you’re part of the Lucky Sperm Club, try not to show it.
15. If your flight is cancelled or delayed due to weather, especially at the origination airport, don’t yell at a gate agent. They didn’t:
    1. Create the weather in another state or continent
    2. Re-route the flight
    3. Make the crew time-out
    4. Fly the airplane
    5. Divert the airplane to another airport
    6. They don’t know why, when, how, or who decided to make your day terrible, but they know it wasn’t them.
16. Don’t try to cram a bag that won’t fit into an overhead bin.  If you try to force the door closed, and it breaks, the flight is now delayed until the mechanics arrive, which might be 10 minutes, it might be an hour. Since everyone saw you do it, they blame you. And they should. Here’s a tip: If you gate check your bag to your final destination, it’s free and you now don’t have to carry it yourself.
17. If your flight gets in late and you have enough time to make your connection, sit your ass down. Let the panicking, sweaty people make a run for their flight. Next time it will be you, and karma is a bitch.
18. As you travel with your kids, teach them how to be kind, aware people, and to be good travelers. You know all the times you’ve seen asshole teenagers? They learned that from their parents.
19. Treat the rampers nicely. At our airport, all those people in orange are part timers who are doing the job for their own reasons. They’re not menial unskilled workers: we have physicians, nurses, bankers, entrepreneurs, attorneys, educators, firefighters and cops, and more Ph.Ds than should be allowed to load your bag on a plane. That’s not all that unusual, you never know why someone has taken a job, and it’s possible that while you treat them as a servant, they have more degrees than you do. One of our rampers reads and speaks ancient Greek and Latin, but you keep saying “rollerboard”.

    

20. Take a deep breath. Put away your phone, exhale slowly and accept the fact that you have now put your day in control of other people who are well trained, professional, kind and helpful, and will make sure you get to your destination safely. Things can change during the journey but nothing is catastrophic and the trip will be fine. Roll with it, it’s not your fault or their’s when things go awry. Throwing a tantrum won’t help, but staying cool, polite, and soft spoken will always save the day. Some other asshat will scream at the staff, if you’re kind instead, you might get taken care of a bit better.
21. Don’t leave a huge mess. Are you upset that your flight has been delayed on the ground? There can be lots of reasons, but cleaning delays are huge. If you leave a giant pile of shit behind at your seat, that is going to slow down the “turn time”. Be an adult and pick up after yourself and your offspring. Set an example for your kids to follow. The flight attendants walk through the plane with garbage bags and they want you to put stuff in them. Don’t put anything but TP down the toilet. If I came to your office and dumped trash on the floor, how happy would you be?

    

To summarize: Travel often, travel far, but don’t be a dick and you’ll have a much better trip regardless of the destination or reason for travel. Make your day and everyone else’s a bit nicer by not treating the world as if it’s yours and be a good human to everyone you pass along the way.